Dumb stuff I read on resumes

No more dog

2010-07-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

"Interests: I love animals and used to own a dog"

Awwww!

I hope this was deliberate

2010-07-08T01:25:00.000-07:00

"Working at **** airline, I gained experience managing cabin crew in a pressurized environment"

Not a dumb statement I know, but it made me laugh so it counts ok?

Health and safety issues?

2010-06-29T01:57:00.001-07:00

Candidate working at a pharmaceutical company

"I literally 'climbed the ladder' in this organisation"

Even if it's a small-ish step-ladder, surely there's an accident waiting to happen right there?

Drive down quality

2010-04-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

"A marketing professional with a “never settle for the best” attitude"

Why would you settle for best when mediocre is available? Hell, push it further and see if you can achieve poor or even piss-poor.

Don't go there!

2009-12-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

Not really a resume blooper this one, I just never knew there was a company called Dr Foster Intelligence

It looks like they provide information on healthcare, but I can imagine that they specialise in warnings about flooding in Gloucester. Look out for those puddles folks!

So successful

2009-10-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

Yippee! Only 4 months since my last post. Am I getting better or worse?

Worse I think.

Ahem. I shall continue. One of today's candidates had this gem in her summary section.

"Achievements

• Accomplished the relocation from London to Melbourne, Australia to begin a new life in a foreign country with high success"

Errr. As you're back in London, that doesn't make it a particularly successful relocation does it?

Puzzling

2009-05-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

There are many skills which are useful in the workplace. Some we learn after years of practice, some we learn when we start our careers and some we learn in education.
I'm not sure however, if the ones we learn in pre-school are particularly relevant.

"Analytical & Problem Solving skills * As a child, I always enjoyed building jigsaw puzzles and was always determined to find the missing piece."

He does not go on to mention that he has successfully given up his blanket, and no longer pisses his pants. Perhaps we shall never know.

i am NOT a homosexual

2009-02-17T01:19:00.000-08:00

Today, a somewhat bizarrely detailed resume which included his BMI (22.9) and lines such as "Driving experience with all sorts of cars. Minivan, Roadster, Saloon, Estate".

Not content with making me wonder how driving a saloon is so much different to an estate, this candidate tops it off with a moment of excellence.

"ps. As I’m Single, I had been questioned by personnel managers in previous interviews about my sexual habits. Weird, but evidently there is a need of explanation. Therefore, I want to let you know, that I am heterosexual. I’m only interested in women ! I’m absolute "normal" at all. I’ve got no problems with these questions, and I don’t complain about it. We do live in the 21st century, after all. Anyway"

Anyway.

Happy 2009 !

2009-01-01T12:04:00.000-08:00

Hope you all had a good Christmas and are pleasantly bloated, vaguely promising yourself that you will make the trips to the gym this year.

Remember, when you're out of work, there are a few options to consider ;

1, Update your resume (ideally with some dumb mistake for me to mock)
2, Go networking
3, Visit the online job boards
4, Pay $1200 for a billboard, advertising yourself as a 'Stylopolitan'

uh, wait, wtf ?

oh yes, really, it's all there in Dallas - http://www.dallasnews.com

Long time no see

2008-11-19T09:29:00.000-08:00

Oops. Haven't done this in a while.

Anyway...

"Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying and negotiating and Sock-Control experience"

Well, why not ? They get separated, worn out, smelly - someone needs to do it.

I have low expectations

2008-07-03T05:57:00.000-07:00

"Previously at Starbucks Coffee Co. the position I occupied allowed me to serve customers and exceed their expectations, by providing them with the right product"

What ? Surely that's meeting expectations isn't it ?
Or did the conversation go like this ?

"I'd like a large Americano please."
"Certainly Madam, here is your large Americano"
"Wow. Thank you for my large Americano. That's more than I could have hoped for !"

a holistic, win-win approach to benchmarking metrics, with an out-of-the-box, synergistic vision of the mind-set

2008-06-27T05:26:00.000-07:00

"A wealth of experience combined with the desire to do more make me both enthusiastic and frustrated.

I would enjoy combining my background in company management/turnarounds/restructuring or product marketing with its associated demands of financial management, production capability, market research and segmentation, pricing, etc in a meaningful role.

Creating good teamwork, sensible computerised systems and housekeeping disciplines, to ensure the wheels don't fall off, are all part of the "givens" that go with any ambitions and are an integral part of my make up."

When will people realize that I'm the only person in the World that reads this crap and takes any notice ?

Don't go swimming in .....uh . too late.

2008-05-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

"My hobbies include regular attendance at my local gym and swimming poo"

no. words. needed.

Online Translation Hell

2008-04-16T02:09:00.001-07:00

I almost feel mean for posting these (note I say 'almost') but sometimes online translation tools belch up some gems.

"Dear Lady/Sir!

I would like to present myself the announced webdesigner onto a position!

It is included in my long-term plans that he is graphic designer inside a trade
let me find a job.

According to my opinion, my school studies, my experiences and it until now
2 of my year professional practices suitable one do the webdesigner scope of activities
onto his filling.

Trust in it, that my letter arouses your interest.

I send it enclosed herewith concerning my curriculum vitae and the reference my works!

I wait for their answer!

I would make the work in telework, freelance if may be!!!

Kind regards,"

I know, I'm a bad man for mocking.

First Day Hell

2008-04-10T02:35:00.000-07:00

I'd just like to point you to an interesting article on The Times website - What not to do when starting a new job.
My favorite is

"A couple of weeks ago a new recruit turned up to his orientation with his mum,” says Donna Miller, the European HR director of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. “We had to explain that he was the one we had hired, not his mother."

How to handle rejection

2008-04-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

Not one I received, but I came across this gem and thought I'd share.

"Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen"

Nothing new but...

2008-03-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

I hope you like the new layout to this blog.

I'm no design guru I know, but the full width layout seems to help and I've changed some colors here and there.

Happy, Happy, Happy Meals

2008-02-29T06:54:00.000-08:00

"Hobbies/Interests: drawing, singing, art, music, surfing the net, collecting Happy Meal toys"

Each to their own I guess. I can imagine him sitting in his room surrounded by sealed bags ("DON'T touch the bags Mother !") laughing maniacally. All are indexed and he's awaiting the day that the art market sees his collection as definitive of the 21st Century.

EDIT : Woah, I just checked. A search for - happy meal toy collecting brings over 1.2 million Google results. I'll get hate mail (in crayon) for this.

Just like my mentor Jon bon Jovi

2008-02-11T03:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in a loooooong time I know, but I'm back with a pip and a doozy. This is something truly extraordinary to restart this faltering blog.

It could be tongue in cheek, but I really hope not. So get a coffee, sit back and enjoy the most wonderous profile page.

"Some things I like:

thin ties. cooking. reading in bed by torchlight. wondering. taking things apart. dogs. making people laugh. sometimes putting things back together. my treasured roman pipe. my bicycle. the freedom it gives me. black. and white. responsible architects. anything by marcel breuer, getting my hands dirty.

I’m a guy with an enviable history. Some would say a rogue, I would say at least a lovable rogue. Just like my mentor Jon bon Jovi, I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all.

I’ve spent a considerable time both high above and deep below ground. I like the perspective from both places. It’s a shame so many people never look beyond the front of their noses. I like to see the angles others miss. I’ve listened to a million stories, and told a few of my own. I’d like to hear your story, because there’s nothing like a good story. Except perhaps Dutch liquorice.

I have mastered every genre, from pointy shoe swing kid and glam rockstar, through beat poet and lonesome traveler to cycle messenger outcast and rockabilly cowboy. I can, and do, shoot from the hip, but only when startled. When I shave, I shave with a straight razor, which I sometimes keep in my left boot. Just in case. I no longer cut my face. I can fix your car, or a flat bicycle tyre. I built my first house entirely from Lego. It’s currently on the market, if you’re interested.

I am afraid of the dark.

There’s almost no task that I can’t complete given an opportunity. I taught myself to drive, and cook. I knock out a cracking rendition of Kenny Rogers’ “the Gambler”. I am the best at everything I do. I think laterally. My greatest pleasure is to explore the unseen world that exists in the dreams of the everyday

To quote the great xxxx xxxxx (his name) : “It’s time to knuckle down, get a haircut and a proper job” These days, as there’s scant requirement for a pirate with a heart of gold, I’m shopping out my more creative talents.

I appreciate your time and mine. I look forward to meeting and impressing you."

There, didn't I tell you it was good ?

A tough balancing act

2007-10-29T04:31:00.001-07:00

"I have developed a healthy work-life balance"

That would be admirable, if it weren't for the fact that this guy's resume contained one, solitary, part-time job. Now, to my mind that isn't exactly a balance. The scales appear to be tipping in one direction slightly.
Although perhaps his social life isn't up to much either ?

hav u seen mi gr8 resume ?

2007-10-04T03:51:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been another whole month since my last post. Sorry readers.

Today's wonderfully written gem is below. Enjoy.

"6/2007 - Present - Supermarket Sales Assistant
i as a online shopper .our dept,its called grossory online.i m a shopper,n do all the work in absence of supervisour n manager.managing the dept well.i.e doing paper work,making sure tht we have enough shoppers n drivers 2 make sure the deliverys is on time,allocating vans to drivers n work to shoppers accordingly."

I love these people dearly you know.

HG Wells - you are not in my circle of trust

2007-08-31T04:16:00.000-07:00

"Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with"

So there you go. If you were planning on messing with time itself, you have been warned - it's valuable. Thanks.

Has it really been over a month since my last post ? Sorry folks. Been busy actually recruiting (though my inherent laziness hasn't helped either)

To be or not to be, that is web 2.0

2007-07-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

Just saw a resume for a web developer, who had worked on a project for

"Service for old man to check they are still alive or not."

As it turns out, it's more about informing relatives of your wellbeing. Even that conjures interesting ideas though -
Imagine the email they receive - "errr hi. your dad's dead - the opinions in this email do not necessarily represent those of...." and perhaps they would have google adsense down the side with "Find your dead dad on eBay"

Real Hell

2007-07-13T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'm really not sure where to start with this one. It's been kindly submitted by George Bazhenov (go visit his site or his blog here (though you'll need to be able to read Russian).
I'll let George tell this in his own words. Expect a cocktail stick with a cheese chunk of humor and a pineapple chunk of pathos.

"That was very near to hell in 1998 - quarter million Sierra Leonean refugees fleeing across the border and into Guinea. My job was to take part in an effort to feed all of them and my agency started recruiting field monitors. Applications started to arrive in their hundreds, way too more for us to process. There were real gems, West Africans love theatrics but in a situation of hunger and despair this sounded tragic and nobody laughed at their job applications that in normal conditions would be circulated through offices and learned by heart to retell near a soda fountain.

I still keep one and I still think that it carries more tragedy than comedy with it.

Letter of Request
I am twenty-one (21) year old Sierra Leonean Refugee student and I am writing to have you as my abducted father should it be possible. The widely propagated news of your authenticity by individuals around town aroused my curiosity for a fraternal relationship with you.
I hope to have some facial conversation with you at your convenience, so that I can furnish you with detailed information about myself.
Sir, I strongly promise to make use of any opportunity you may offer me to your greatest satisfaction.
Thanks in advance.
Sincerely yours,
xxxxxxx xxxxxxx"

Sorry if you were expecting a LOL today, but this one had to be posted.
Normal, irreverent service will be resumed soon.

Show me the money !

2007-07-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

Samantha mailed me this one, though she didn't want to appear too mean-spirited. You really shouldn't worry.

"Wendys - Cashier
Successfully handled money. Received money from customers.
And successfully issued the correct amount of change back to the customers"

Everybody deliberates over the most appropriate elements of a role to include on their resume. I appreciate that a Wendys cashier is not the most wide-ranging or challenging position but of all the tasks involved, NOT defrauding customers should really be a given shouldn't it ?

I'm going to win the Nobel Peace Prize !

2007-06-26T04:41:00.000-07:00

Received today

"I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality by taking work experience with the army. This went excellent, and I came out with fantastic results and in the top three in the physical 3k run. My mediocre gr ades do not reflect my true abilities and standards. I am dedicating my future to socialisticly unite the third world countries through the use of media. I can drive, however I am still in the process of getting my license. I have the more than the high levels of energy than required for any job. I am also looking for new media investors. My goal in life is to win the nobel pe*ace* prize through the next big buisness. Global Psychological Reconstruction. I believe in the qoute "who cares wins", and would love to work abroad, America, Japan, etc."

then later, under skills -

"Cleaning skills:- bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c"

I think I'm still scared by the fact that someone thought it would be a good idea to 'cure' his punctuality problem by putting him somewhere near guns.

Looks like we're back on track ! Yay !

Search Engine what ?

2007-06-19T02:50:00.000-07:00

Another online marketing related one today. For those that don't know Search Engine Optimization (or SEO) is a myriad of ways to get your site as high up the search results pages in Search Engines as possible. One of those ways comes down to effective copywriting and keywording - eg. finding the most popular and appropriate keywords and phrases.
Therefore when listing on your resume that your skills include the rarely used phrase,

"Search Engine Manipulation"

and no other alternative, it really doesn't fill me with confidence. Put simply, when I'm searching a database for someone with SEO skills, this guy will not appear in the results.

Pay Per Click

2007-05-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

This one needs a brief introduction - If you're not already aware, "Pay Per Click" is the standard (and one of the most used methods) within Online Marketing.

As always for a recruiter, people who don't have a skill will often try to convince you they do. Often their definition of 'expert' means they once walked passed someone whose brother made coffee for someone with that skill . Usually they're easy to spot, sometimes they blag it well.

So back to PPC. A candidate phoned in and after a brief discussion about his skills, I asked him if he had experience of Pay Per Click, to which he replies no, but he could do the job anyway. After an explanation that isn't how it works and with nothing else for him, I requested a resume and left it there.

This email arrives -

"Dear xxxxxx, thanks very much for your interest. I misheard you on the telphone as saying "paper click" or "paperclip" which I assumed was some specialist software. I am familiar with Google Pay Per Click.

I think I can probably extend mty current temp contract as I have a good commute and I am fairly happy.

What I need is a job where I can prove myself. at the risk of sounding big headed, when I think of Google pay per click, the words "piece of p___" wedge themselves in my brain.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I have every respect for you as a person but it does aggreive me when people don't realise how employable I actually am, although self-praise is no reccomendation."

A positive step

2007-05-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

"I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success."

Well done you ! Perhaps you could start some other part-time courses to really ruin your future ?

Oops I did it again

2007-04-27T03:47:00.000-07:00

"Job involved...counselling clientele on accidental insurance policies available"

Perhaps you can insure yourself against mistakenly buying insurance ? But what if you accidentally bought one of those policies. It's Friday and my brain hurts.

Easy life

2007-04-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

"working for a National chain of pubs - Floating Relief Manager"

Am i becoming too frivolous ? Is it just me that finds some job titles worthy of a quick snigger ?

Oh well, there's just been a lack of genuinely barking-mad applications recently. I'll be honest, I prefer those because it makes me feel normal again. Though it's not much to brag about that I'm not as deranged as some of the people who write to me, I know.

Come on - send me a good one !

Early aspirations

2007-04-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

"My aim is to become a Marketing Director for a large international company once I have graduated from university"

What ? Not before ?

Call PETA

2007-04-13T05:25:00.000-07:00

"Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse"

I understand that spellcheck won't pick it up, but how do you mis-type that ? U and R have two whole letters in between to stop your fat fingers confusing them.

(by the way, a quick thank you to Sarah Needleman of the Wall Street Journal and CareerJournal.com for posting the interview)

The what ?

2007-03-27T02:13:00.000-07:00

"1 year experience in the well known Telecommunication Industry"

The well known Telecommunication Industry ? As opposed to what ? The telecommunication industry that no-one has ever heard of ?

pffft. Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been ill and still don't feel great. Perhaps that's why I'm happy to abuse some poor sap for a minor gaff.

The modern military

2007-03-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

"1990 - 1997 - Stewardess - Royal Air Force"

Yes, it's another one which is totally accurate and intentional. However, as my mind drifts like the Mary Celeste it conjures another image in my mind.

Is that a safety risk ?

2007-03-16T02:00:00.000-07:00

"I AM INTERESTING TO WORK AS A TRANEE ENGINEER"

Another simple spelling mistake which conjured a interesting image in my head.

Politically correct terminology ?

2007-03-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

"2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people"

Now, I may not be the biggest advocate of overt political correctness, but I don't think 'vegetable people' is the accepted term anymore. 'Special' and 'Brave' are often used, but I believe 'Mong' and 'Spaz' are still out.

Thanks to an anonymous reader called Fluffy for this one.

mmmm bondage

2007-03-02T00:49:00.000-08:00

"I still remain confident because of the few individuals like you that I plan to be-friend. Hence, by God’s infinite mercy there is room for optimism...
May, I request you to kindly walk the extra mile for us, by passing my bio data ... to all concerned. You may wonder why I request you to this at our behest and this is due an inner feeling in me which tells that you a woman who believes in human bondage, not to re-mention compassion and kindness. From my end, may I assure you that I am a man of letters and sincere to my duties. I am often told by others in the manifold spheres of my activities that there is a mystic in what I do."

I sometimes like to imagine what it would be like if people spoke the same way they write covering letters. "Good Day, Recruiter ! I shall be attending the public bar pursuant to your request for a cooling beverage. May I inquire as to your liquid preference to imbibe ?"

Thanks to Louise at UK Recruiter for this one. That's not her in the pic by the way (at least I don't think so).

Groovy

2007-02-21T01:34:00.000-08:00

"I am looking forward to working in a distinct and dynamic environment, where I can intensify my engineering flairs"

Not hilarious today, but I liked the idea of an engineer laboring endlessly to re-design new and improved flares

Warrior, Yogi, Spiritual Leader, Sports God and Piss Master

2007-02-19T02:37:00.000-08:00

"5 top skills or characteristics
listening skills
xtremely good communication skills
open-minded
target driven
internally motivated - warrior type though I enjoy yoga very much ;-)

Icons 2 follow:
Mahatma Gandhi /ethics/
Michael Jordan /sport, business

top business achievements?
...
In December I signed quite a substantial deal ...to run ... campaign for them in Portugese [Brazil], Chinese, Japanese & Arabic.
The best bit - I was competing with .... colleagues in DE & FR :-) What was quite interesting as well - we were able to get the contract event though we charged the client higher management fee that our colleagues from DE & FR!
now I can take a moderate piss at my colleagues from Paris & Frankfurt 2 keep their adrenaline at the right level"

I'm sure Gandhi would have approved.

i is all growed up

2007-02-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

"For the past 3 months I have also been living at home with my brother as my parents have gone on holiday for 3 months as a retirement presents. I believe this experience has matured me as a person, as I have had to look after the house, shop and generally do a lot more tasks for myself. This has given me a new outlook on life and what I want to do with my life in the future."

If I were to forward to a client, should I add to the skills section "Washing soiled underwear" and "Wiping own crack" ?
I mean I appreciate you're young and this is a big thing for you...and ok you need to fill some pages, but is anyone really going to be impressed that you can buy your own Cheerios ?

You're kidding right ?

2007-02-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

"Target Position : Misssionary"

Like you, I was thinking "yeah, yeah, really funny... not."
However I read on, and was converted !

This guy has members of a Christian fellowship as references. He worked in a Christian bookshop and is an active member of his Church. The signs are all there - it's no joke.
I have no problem with his religious beliefs, but surely anyone would notice the potential humor in "Target Position : Missionary" ?

(does Missionary work get listed on job boards ? I just wondered.)

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

2007-02-07T14:56:00.000-08:00

"Achievements
I was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2006"

Although I didn't receive this personally, a kind person (who wishes to remain anonymous) received this. Now in case you weren't aware, Time Magazine named all of us Person of the Year 2006 in a "we're all into user generated content" kind of way.

I actually rather admire this. It's absolutely true, demonstrates a little awareness of current affairs and sets the person apart from many of the sheep we see.

OK, so not too DUMB today. Please stay tuned - normal service will be resumed soon.

Product Expertise

2007-02-06T06:57:00.000-08:00

"McDonald’s Restaurant Ltd.
2004 – Present

* Supervising Staff
* Cashing up
* Cashier
* Customer Service – selling stock
* Managing the store-opening/closing up
* Dealing with customers queries
* Authorising refunds/exchanges
* Acquiring knowledge of all new products"

Hey Anna-Nicole ! Quit acquiring knowledge of new McDonald's products !

Doesn't that hurt ?

2007-02-02T00:53:00.000-08:00

"Eternally aspiring to conquer myself in everything I do and every elevation I gain"

CV Headline: I came from the futire

2007-01-31T01:46:00.000-08:00

"About Me:
Strangely it may seem, but I've noticed that what I am doing today, others do couple years after.

Instead of being a follower I prefer to be a leader. I never fail to do what I believe is right and I don’t care what other people think about me. Not a

good sign but again, I se a term of 'being successful' as making it despite all adversity, rather than making it by using other people's weaknesses. No

wonder, I have no money, but again, although being "loaded" is commonly used as a measure of being successful, this does not apply to my view and it is not

a true measure of "success". Personally I'd rather be a poor free man, rather that rich slave.

Apart from having a Can Do attitude, which means that I'd rather have a go on doing something, rather than talking about it, I am

also easily bored so I prefer chaotic environment, no wonder admin is not quite my cup of tea.

I guess I prefer to work with people that can inspire me, both creatively and spiritually (although I am not a religious person). "

I actually admire his enthusiasm. I also love the fact that he comes from the 'futire', but I'm not sure whether I'd be curious or scared to meet this guy.

So passionate

2007-01-25T06:32:00.000-08:00

"Interests :
Although not an activity, traveling is another one of my passions."

I can appreciate having a interest, which you do not partake in. Formula One, for example is difficult for most people to dabble in at the weekends.
But how can you be passionate about travel that you don't do, and places you haven't been to ?

Vast talents

2007-01-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

"Work Sought : Anything Busy and rewarding that employs my vast talents and rewards accordingly. Will take performance related as I'm good"

You forgot to add "humble".

Don't get me wrong, I love enthusiasm and pride in ones ability, but the term "my vast talents" rubs me the wrong way.

Programming Royalty

2007-01-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

"Area of Interest
I have craze of game programming because they are called the king of programmer I want to be the king"

And he shall be crowned King Programmer, and all shall bow down before him proclaiming
"Long live the King ! Java ! Java ! Java!"

Give me the news, I gotta bad case of lovin' you.

2007-01-17T03:23:00.000-08:00

Received today - Dr Doctor.

Yes, that's his name. He was Mr Doctor, and in July last year he completed his PhD in Computer Science making him Dr Doctor. I know I'm a simple person, but for me it doesn't get much better than that.

...

I've just discovered that this is called Nominative Determinism
So there you go, not just amusing we're now informative too.

I'll just help him search.

2007-01-16T04:13:00.000-08:00

"I worked with Mr Imran Khan (Former Pakistan cricket player) in his campaign for cancer."

A campaign for cancer research, A campaign for cancer awareness, A campaign for cancer care. These are all options, but I'm guessing the fast-bowling lothario wasn't involved in Equal Rights for Carcinogens. I'm pretty sure the Imran Khan Foundation is against it.

Dynamic individual

2007-01-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

"interests and hobbies
none at present"

None ? At present ? huh ?
Perhaps it used to read "Interests and hobbies - sitting", but he couldn't take the pace of such an arduous activity.

Much use ?

2007-01-10T05:38:00.000-08:00

"Monster CV Headline : 1 year old French Marketing Executive in the UK"

Probably as much use as most marketing people.

I'm great. I think.

2007-01-09T04:01:00.000-08:00

"I have a wide variety of skills and experience, some of which I have taken for granted and cannot readily recall.
If considered for employment, I believe I will be an asset to your reputable organisation."

I will be an asset, but please remind me what my job is every morning.

Not one of mine - but too good not to include

2007-01-08T04:52:00.000-08:00

Guy applies for Web Design job in Dubai

Here's the abbreviated version

From: Amir Saffar
To: Mike Platts
Sent: Friday, December 15, 2006 9:11 PM
Subject: RE: hi again

it’s very simple Mike. You are interested in my profile and i wanted to know how much you were able to pay. no response means: you either can’t pay that much, or you only hire indians and pakistanis who don’t ask for a good salary. but dude, i am neither indian or paki and i have never worked for less than 2000 usd/month. You got it now!?

Amir

You don't agree with me ? Here - drink this.

2007-01-02T07:06:00.000-08:00

"1999-2000 Israel Center for Negotiation and Medication"

Happy New Year to you all !

We start 2007 with another great example of how a simple typo (one single additional letter !) can change a context. I'm pretty sure he meant the Israel Center for Negotiation and Mediation but perhaps effective use of Rohypnol is also a good sales technique.

Unfair extrapolation

2006-12-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

"Interests
Karaoke - I thrive on the confidence that karaoke gives me"

This sentence just screams to me "I am shy and pathetic in real life, but alcohol and a microphone makes me loud and aggressive". I know this is drastically unfair but these ideas pop into my head and I write them down, kind of like tourettes blogging.

Don't embed a photo - FOLLOW UP !

2006-12-05T02:12:00.000-08:00

So, I had my suspicions about "Don't embed a photo" too (see the post 3 down - 28th Nov), so I replied.

I indicated that I couldn't understand why he would send me the picture as shown and perhaps it was a mistake. Here's the (unedited) reply ;

"the truth is that the recruiters in the UK are as lame
as the ones in AmeriKa ... when i find a job
advertisement that i am qualified for, that has a
recruiter that is so pompous that he or she can't see
their shoes without standing in front of a mirror ...
who obviously is not going the give me the time of day
... i send them a copy of my 'resume' ... the facts
are correct and excessively understated so as not to
frighten the recruiter or the employer ... employers
do not want anyone smarter or mor experienced around
because they are afraid the might look bad ...
congradulations !!! you are the first person ever to
recognize the photograph ... and you have to be over
50 because the 20 somethings do not have a clue .."

Needless to say, I shall be ending our short and torrid relationship right there. I think someone is a few tacos short of a combo platter.

You do what ??

2006-12-01T02:48:00.000-08:00

"Hobbies
I enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians"

Tastes like chicken apparently.

Questionable Hobbies

2006-11-29T01:40:00.000-08:00

"Hobbies
Playing with Boy scouts"

Thanks to Louise at UKrecruiter for this one.
Remember folks - engage brain into first gear before accelerating typing fingers !

Don't embed a photo

2006-11-27T06:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure how to approach this and I can understand why you wouldn't believe this has happened, but it has.
I received this resume with an embedded photo. This is not unusual, but this particular candidate decided the best approach was not to embed a photo of himself. Oh no, that would be far too easy.

Perhaps an image of someone younger and more handsome than himself ? No.

How about a picture of serial killer Charles Manson ? Almost there.

Just got to open up MS Paint and color in the eyes and put some fake blood on the lips. Yup that's the ticket.

Inexplicable.

Purile and childish

2006-11-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

I know. but the name..

"Sittiporn Suwankumpoo"

just makes me smile.

Promotion

2006-11-08T06:11:00.000-08:00

"Promoted to Shit Leader and responsible for a team of Engineers."

What was your previous position ?

Buy...or die.

2006-11-07T06:08:00.000-08:00

"Training Courses
Sales techniques - Bogota Colombia"

It's a sweeping generalisation regarding Columbia I know - but the thought of drug lords conducting sales courses amused me.

Me so cool

2006-11-03T00:44:00.000-08:00

"I own a tool kit, including an anti-static wrist-strap. Home or office call outs should be less than one and a half hour away by public transport or my Reliant Rialto"

Oooh, you've got a $5 wrist strap ! I'm sold.
Wait ! What ? There's more ???
A Reliant Rialto ?

You're so classy in your three-wheeler.

Personal Improvement ?

2006-10-31T02:59:00.000-08:00

"Hobbies
...Liposuction..."

Fair enough. Not sure I'd call it a hobby, but it passes the time I guess

Following the main resume came this...

2006-10-27T05:28:00.000-07:00

"I have some inventions for sale.
Some are certified , some are completed and the others are not certified or completed , only ideas . These ideas may have a very big value for who is concern or interristed in. Far from political effects , helping any human and any company at any country , for helping peace of the world . The new products may help me or anybody in the future .
**********
(1) New very simple device to measure the far distances approximately .
...
(6) Very simple device to have electricity from air power .
...
(9) New shape for the keyboard and screen .
...
(11) Fast methods to remove ice from streets and in the sea at the way of ships .
...
(19) Improving Fax-machines .
...
(25) Paper not easy fired.
...
(37) Stopping the current of volcano faster.
...
(39) Electronic mirror.
(40) TV with some improvements.
(41) Methods very udeful for fidhing boats.
...
(45) Very fast printer.
(46) Easy storing files (( believe me ))
...
(49) Tele-Computers.
(50) Textile stronger for ballons , car wheel , fluids insulator ( not rubber). "

The others were equally bizarre, but my personal favorite was "(4) Anew shape of pencil product ."

The terror of translation software

2006-10-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

"Am to think in exercise to my career of Engineer Electromecânic in kingdom and am to send him my curriculum to some companies among the whom to your. company

Stay to await the better proposal.
Go To send him my curriculum in Portuguese for be one curriculum very technician.

Of this form Find good him curriculum be translated in your office, so that him understand well.
Some doubts contact me.

I write and speak ingles but for work Very in Portugal this wants use, is
one subject of one month in Land for adaptation."

I appreciate that his English is probably still better than my Portuguese, but this is still pretty funny.

Interesting role

2006-10-24T01:28:00.000-07:00

"I'm intrested to here more about that. I'm working today in a furniture factory as a drawer"

OK, OK, he's a CAD draughtperson and drawer is another name for it, but it made me laugh.

Accountants. tch.

2006-10-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

"Why do I love accounting

My passion for accounting started since I was a child. Not because I knew at
the time what accounting was, but I loved working with numbers. From the first days at the school my uncle told me that "X" is a wild beast, and I have to chase it.

After catching it gave me lots of pleasure. Apparantly that was the start of
my interest and passion for numbers, which later on became accounting. "

wtf ?

On a covering letter.

2006-10-20T03:03:00.000-07:00

"I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person"

What a shame spell check doesn't check for stupidity too.

Thanks Mo

2006-10-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Received this (and just this - no resume) in an email.

"Covering Note:
HERE ARE MY RESUME AND IM NOT SO INTEREST IN YOUR JOB THANKS MO"

errr, thanks for letting me know. Perhaps I've got some other jobs you could be not interested in ?

Eh ? What ?

2006-10-19T00:58:00.000-07:00

"Date 03/96 To 02/00
Most of the jobs and the dates at witch I worked I am unable to recall. "

Good party huh ?

Proofly reading prefeshurnal

2006-10-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

"Dear Sir/Madam:

With this letter I would like to present and offer my services as professional proofreader.

In certain moments of the editorial process, you could have some extra needs, and you could have to make use of the services of a freelance proofreader like me. I am prepared to offer so fluent, fast, serious work and good rates that our profesional relations will be good for the two of us.
For these reasons, I beg you to see attached C.V., I hope you will find attractive and good to your needs. For further information, do not hesitate to contact to me. I will be willing to help you.

Looking forward to hearing from you"

Need I say more ?

The first day of dumb

2006-10-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Received this resume a couple of months ago. OK he's only young but hey, what a way to sell yourself.

"My Ideal Company
somewere were if i wanted i could work my way up to a better job a place to meet different people make new friends"

Oh ok, but only if you wanted right ? We'll try real hard to find a company dedicated enough to you.

"My Interests
...i like to have a laugh wid me mates"

Not - "I'm sociable and communicate well with others, enjoying pleasurable evenings out'. No, he likes having a laugh wid his mates.

"Availability: i have no job at the moment"

You surprise me.