No more dog

"Interests: I love animals and used to own a dog"

Awwww!

I hope this was deliberate

"Working at **** airline, I gained experience managing cabin crew in a pressurized environment"

Not a dumb statement I know, but it made me laugh so it counts ok?

Health and safety issues?

Candidate working at a pharmaceutical company

"I literally 'climbed the ladder' in this organisation"

Even if it's a small-ish step-ladder, surely there's an accident waiting to happen right there?

Drive down quality

"A marketing professional with a “never settle for the best” attitude"

Why would you settle for best when mediocre is available? Hell, push it further and see if you can achieve poor or even piss-poor.

Don't go there!

Not really a resume blooper this one, I just never knew there was a company called Dr Foster Intelligence

It looks like they provide information on healthcare, but I can imagine that they specialise in warnings about flooding in Gloucester. Look out for those puddles folks!

So successful

Yippee! Only 4 months since my last post. Am I getting better or worse?

Worse I think.

Ahem. I shall continue. One of today's candidates had this gem in her summary section.

"Achievements

• Accomplished the relocation from London to Melbourne, Australia to begin a new life in a foreign country with high success"

Errr. As you're back in London, that doesn't make it a particularly successful relocation does it?

Puzzling

There are many skills which are useful in the workplace. Some we learn after years of practice, some we learn when we start our careers and some we learn in education.
I'm not sure however, if the ones we learn in pre-school are particularly relevant.

"Analytical & Problem Solving skills * As a child, I always enjoyed building jigsaw puzzles and was always determined to find the missing piece."

He does not go on to mention that he has successfully given up his blanket, and no longer pisses his pants. Perhaps we shall never know.

i am NOT a homosexual

Today, a somewhat bizarrely detailed resume which included his BMI (22.9) and lines such as "Driving experience with all sorts of cars. Minivan, Roadster, Saloon, Estate".

Not content with making me wonder how driving a saloon is so much different to an estate, this candidate tops it off with a moment of excellence.

"ps. As I’m Single, I had been questioned by personnel managers in previous interviews about my sexual habits. Weird, but evidently there is a need of explanation. Therefore, I want to let you know, that I am heterosexual. I’m only interested in women ! I’m absolute "normal" at all. I’ve got no problems with these questions, and I don’t complain about it. We do live in the 21st century, after all. Anyway"

Anyway.

Happy 2009 !

Hope you all had a good Christmas and are pleasantly bloated, vaguely promising yourself that you will make the trips to the gym this year.

Remember, when you're out of work, there are a few options to consider ;

1, Update your resume (ideally with some dumb mistake for me to mock)
2, Go networking
3, Visit the online job boards
4, Pay $1200 for a billboard, advertising yourself as a 'Stylopolitan'

uh, wait, wtf ?

oh yes, really, it's all there in Dallas - http://www.dallasnews.com

Long time no see

Oops. Haven't done this in a while.

Anyway...

"Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying and negotiating and Sock-Control experience"

Well, why not ? They get separated, worn out, smelly - someone needs to do it.