There are many skills which are useful in the workplace. Some we learn after years of practice, some we learn when we start our careers and some we learn in education.
I'm not sure however, if the ones we learn in pre-school are particularly relevant.
Today, a somewhat bizarrely detailed resume which included his BMI (22.9) and lines such as "Driving experience with all sorts of cars. Minivan, Roadster, Saloon, Estate".
Not content with making me wonder how driving a saloon is so much different to an estate, this candidate tops it off with a moment of excellence.
"ps. As I’m Single, I had been questioned by personnel managers in previous interviews about my sexual habits. Weird, but evidently there is a need of explanation. Therefore, I want to let you know, that I am heterosexual. I’m only interested in women ! I’m absolute "normal" at all. I’ve got no problems with these questions, and I don’t complain about it. We do live in the 21st century, after all. Anyway"
Anyway.
Hope you all had a good Christmas and are pleasantly bloated, vaguely promising yourself that you will make the trips to the gym this year.
Remember, when you're out of work, there are a few options to consider ;
1, Update your resume (ideally with some dumb mistake for me to mock)
2, Go networking
3, Visit the online job boards
4, Pay $1200 for a billboard, advertising yourself as a 'Stylopolitan'
uh, wait, wtf ?
oh yes, really, it's all there in Dallas - http://www.dallasnews.com
Oops. Haven't done this in a while.
Anyway...
"Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying and negotiating and Sock-Control experience"
Well, why not ? They get separated, worn out, smelly - someone needs to do it.
"Previously at Starbucks Coffee Co. the position I occupied allowed me to serve customers and exceed their expectations, by providing them with the right product"
What ? Surely that's meeting expectations isn't it ?
Or did the conversation go like this ?
"I'd like a large Americano please."
"Certainly Madam, here is your large Americano"
"Wow. Thank you for my large Americano. That's more than I could have hoped for !"
"A wealth of experience combined with the desire to do more make me both enthusiastic and frustrated.
I would enjoy combining my background in company management/turnarounds/restructuring or product marketing with its associated demands of financial management, production capability, market research and segmentation, pricing, etc in a meaningful role.
Creating good teamwork, sensible computerised systems and housekeeping disciplines, to ensure the wheels don't fall off, are all part of the "givens" that go with any ambitions and are an integral part of my make up."
When will people realize that I'm the only person in the World that reads this crap and takes any notice ?
"My hobbies include regular attendance at my local gym and swimming poo"
no. words. needed.
I almost feel mean for posting these (note I say 'almost') but sometimes online translation tools belch up some gems.
"Dear Lady/Sir!
I would like to present myself the announced webdesigner onto a position!
It is included in my long-term plans that he is graphic designer inside a trade
let me find a job.
According to my opinion, my school studies, my experiences and it until now
2 of my year professional practices suitable one do the webdesigner scope of activities
onto his filling.
Trust in it, that my letter arouses your interest.
I send it enclosed herewith concerning my curriculum vitae and the reference my works!
I wait for their answer!
I would make the work in telework, freelance if may be!!!
Kind regards,"
I know, I'm a bad man for mocking.
I'd just like to point you to an interesting article on The Times website - What not to do when starting a new job.
My favorite is
"A couple of weeks ago a new recruit turned up to his orientation with his mum,” says Donna Miller, the European HR director of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. “We had to explain that he was the one we had hired, not his mother."
Not one I received, but I came across this gem and thought I'd share.
"Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen"
