There are many skills which are useful in the workplace. Some we learn after years of practice, some we learn when we start our careers and some we learn in education.
I'm not sure however, if the ones we learn in pre-school are particularly relevant.
Today, a somewhat bizarrely detailed resume which included his BMI (22.9) and lines such as "Driving experience with all sorts of cars. Minivan, Roadster, Saloon, Estate".
Not content with making me wonder how driving a saloon is so much different to an estate, this candidate tops it off with a moment of excellence.
"ps. As I’m Single, I had been questioned by personnel managers in previous interviews about my sexual habits. Weird, but evidently there is a need of explanation. Therefore, I want to let you know, that I am heterosexual. I’m only interested in women ! I’m absolute "normal" at all. I’ve got no problems with these questions, and I don’t complain about it. We do live in the 21st century, after all. Anyway"
Anyway.
Hope you all had a good Christmas and are pleasantly bloated, vaguely promising yourself that you will make the trips to the gym this year.
Remember, when you're out of work, there are a few options to consider ;
1, Update your resume (ideally with some dumb mistake for me to mock)
2, Go networking
3, Visit the online job boards
4, Pay $1200 for a billboard, advertising yourself as a 'Stylopolitan'
uh, wait, wtf ?
oh yes, really, it's all there in Dallas - http://www.dallasnews.com
Oops. Haven't done this in a while.
Anyway...
"Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying and negotiating and Sock-Control experience"
Well, why not ? They get separated, worn out, smelly - someone needs to do it.
"Previously at Starbucks Coffee Co. the position I occupied allowed me to serve customers and exceed their expectations, by providing them with the right product"
What ? Surely that's meeting expectations isn't it ?
Or did the conversation go like this ?
"I'd like a large Americano please."
"Certainly Madam, here is your large Americano"
"Wow. Thank you for my large Americano. That's more than I could have hoped for !"
"A wealth of experience combined with the desire to do more make me both enthusiastic and frustrated.
I would enjoy combining my background in company management/turnarounds/restructuring or product marketing with its associated demands of financial management, production capability, market research and segmentation, pricing, etc in a meaningful role.
Creating good teamwork, sensible computerised systems and housekeeping disciplines, to ensure the wheels don't fall off, are all part of the "givens" that go with any ambitions and are an integral part of my make up."
When will people realize that I'm the only person in the World that reads this crap and takes any notice ?
"My hobbies include regular attendance at my local gym and swimming poo"
no. words. needed.
I almost feel mean for posting these (note I say 'almost') but sometimes online translation tools belch up some gems.
"Dear Lady/Sir!
I would like to present myself the announced webdesigner onto a position!
It is included in my long-term plans that he is graphic designer inside a trade
let me find a job.
According to my opinion, my school studies, my experiences and it until now
2 of my year professional practices suitable one do the webdesigner scope of activities
onto his filling.
Trust in it, that my letter arouses your interest.
I send it enclosed herewith concerning my curriculum vitae and the reference my works!
I wait for their answer!
I would make the work in telework, freelance if may be!!!
Kind regards,"
I know, I'm a bad man for mocking.
I'd just like to point you to an interesting article on The Times website - What not to do when starting a new job.
My favorite is
"A couple of weeks ago a new recruit turned up to his orientation with his mum,” says Donna Miller, the European HR director of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. “We had to explain that he was the one we had hired, not his mother."
Not one I received, but I came across this gem and thought I'd share.
"Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen"
I hope you like the new layout to this blog.
I'm no design guru I know, but the full width layout seems to help and I've changed some colors here and there.
"Hobbies/Interests: drawing, singing, art, music, surfing the net, collecting Happy Meal toys"
Each to their own I guess. I can imagine him sitting in his room surrounded by sealed bags ("DON'T touch the bags Mother !") laughing maniacally. All are indexed and he's awaiting the day that the art market sees his collection as definitive of the 21st Century.
EDIT : Woah, I just checked. A search for - happy meal toy collecting brings over 1.2 million Google results. I'll get hate mail (in crayon) for this.
I haven't updated in a loooooong time I know, but I'm back with a pip and a doozy. This is something truly extraordinary to restart this faltering blog.
It could be tongue in cheek, but I really hope not. So get a coffee, sit back and enjoy the most wonderous profile page.
"Some things I like:
thin ties. cooking. reading in bed by torchlight. wondering. taking things apart. dogs. making people laugh. sometimes putting things back together. my treasured roman pipe. my bicycle. the freedom it gives me. black. and white. responsible architects. anything by marcel breuer, getting my hands dirty.
I’m a guy with an enviable history. Some would say a rogue, I would say at least a lovable rogue. Just like my mentor Jon bon Jovi, I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all.
I’ve spent a considerable time both high above and deep below ground. I like the perspective from both places. It’s a shame so many people never look beyond the front of their noses. I like to see the angles others miss. I’ve listened to a million stories, and told a few of my own. I’d like to hear your story, because there’s nothing like a good story. Except perhaps Dutch liquorice.
I have mastered every genre, from pointy shoe swing kid and glam rockstar, through beat poet and lonesome traveler to cycle messenger outcast and rockabilly cowboy. I can, and do, shoot from the hip, but only when startled. When I shave, I shave with a straight razor, which I sometimes keep in my left boot. Just in case. I no longer cut my face. I can fix your car, or a flat bicycle tyre. I built my first house entirely from Lego. It’s currently on the market, if you’re interested.
I am afraid of the dark.
There’s almost no task that I can’t complete given an opportunity. I taught myself to drive, and cook. I knock out a cracking rendition of Kenny Rogers’ “the Gambler”. I am the best at everything I do. I think laterally. My greatest pleasure is to explore the unseen world that exists in the dreams of the everyday
To quote the great xxxx xxxxx (his name) : “It’s time to knuckle down, get a haircut and a proper job” These days, as there’s scant requirement for a pirate with a heart of gold, I’m shopping out my more creative talents.
I appreciate your time and mine. I look forward to meeting and impressing you."
There, didn't I tell you it was good ?
"I have developed a healthy work-life balance"
That would be admirable, if it weren't for the fact that this guy's resume contained one, solitary, part-time job. Now, to my mind that isn't exactly a balance. The scales appear to be tipping in one direction slightly.
Although perhaps his social life isn't up to much either ?
Wow, it's been another whole month since my last post. Sorry readers.
Today's wonderfully written gem is below. Enjoy.
"6/2007 - Present - Supermarket Sales Assistant
i as a online shopper .our dept,its called grossory online.i m a shopper,n do all the work in absence of supervisour n manager.managing the dept well.i.e doing paper work,making sure tht we have enough shoppers n drivers 2 make sure the deliverys is on time,allocating vans to drivers n work to shoppers accordingly."
I love these people dearly you know.
"Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with"
So there you go. If you were planning on messing with time itself, you have been warned - it's valuable. Thanks.
Has it really been over a month since my last post ? Sorry folks. Been busy actually recruiting (though my inherent laziness hasn't helped either)
Just saw a resume for a web developer, who had worked on a project for
"Service for old man to check they are still alive or not."
As it turns out, it's more about informing relatives of your wellbeing. Even that conjures interesting ideas though -
Imagine the email they receive - "errr hi. your dad's dead - the opinions in this email do not necessarily represent those of...." and perhaps they would have google adsense down the side with "Find your dead dad on eBay"
I'm really not sure where to start with this one. It's been kindly submitted by George Bazhenov (go visit his site or his blog here (though you'll need to be able to read Russian).
I'll let George tell this in his own words. Expect a cocktail stick with a cheese chunk of humor and a pineapple chunk of pathos.
"That was very near to hell in 1998 - quarter million Sierra Leonean refugees fleeing across the border and into Guinea. My job was to take part in an effort to feed all of them and my agency started recruiting field monitors. Applications started to arrive in their hundreds, way too more for us to process. There were real gems, West Africans love theatrics but in a situation of hunger and despair this sounded tragic and nobody laughed at their job applications that in normal conditions would be circulated through offices and learned by heart to retell near a soda fountain.
I still keep one and I still think that it carries more tragedy than comedy with it.
Letter of Request
I am twenty-one (21) year old Sierra Leonean Refugee student and I am writing to have you as my abducted father should it be possible. The widely propagated news of your authenticity by individuals around town aroused my curiosity for a fraternal relationship with you.
I hope to have some facial conversation with you at your convenience, so that I can furnish you with detailed information about myself.
Sir, I strongly promise to make use of any opportunity you may offer me to your greatest satisfaction.
Thanks in advance.
Sincerely yours,
xxxxxxx xxxxxxx"
Sorry if you were expecting a LOL today, but this one had to be posted.
Normal, irreverent service will be resumed soon.
Samantha mailed me this one, though she didn't want to appear too mean-spirited. You really shouldn't worry.
"Wendys - Cashier
Successfully handled money. Received money from customers.
And successfully issued the correct amount of change back to the customers"
Everybody deliberates over the most appropriate elements of a role to include on their resume. I appreciate that a Wendys cashier is not the most wide-ranging or challenging position but of all the tasks involved, NOT defrauding customers should really be a given shouldn't it ?
Received today
"I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality by taking work experience with the army. This went excellent, and I came out with fantastic results and in the top three in the physical 3k run. My mediocre gr ades do not reflect my true abilities and standards. I am dedicating my future to socialisticly unite the third world countries through the use of media. I can drive, however I am still in the process of getting my license. I have the more than the high levels of energy than required for any job. I am also looking for new media investors. My goal in life is to win the nobel pe*ace* prize through the next big buisness. Global Psychological Reconstruction. I believe in the qoute "who cares wins", and would love to work abroad, America, Japan, etc."
then later, under skills -
"Cleaning skills:- bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c"
I think I'm still scared by the fact that someone thought it would be a good idea to 'cure' his punctuality problem by putting him somewhere near guns.
Looks like we're back on track ! Yay !
