A tough balancing act

"I have developed a healthy work-life balance"


That would be admirable, if it weren't for the fact that this guy's resume contained one, solitary, part-time job. Now, to my mind that isn't exactly a balance. The scales appear to be tipping in one direction slightly.
Although perhaps his social life isn't up to much either ?

hav u seen mi gr8 resume ?

Wow, it's been another whole month since my last post. Sorry readers.

Today's wonderfully written gem is below. Enjoy.

"6/2007 - Present - Supermarket Sales Assistant
i as a online shopper .our dept,its called grossory online.i m a shopper,n do all the work in absence of supervisour n manager.managing the dept well.i.e doing paper work,making sure tht we have enough shoppers n drivers 2 make sure the deliverys is on time,allocating vans to drivers n work to shoppers accordingly."

I love these people dearly you know.

HG Wells - you are not in my circle of trust

"Time is very valuable and it should be always used to achieve optimum results and I believe it should not be played around with"

So there you go. If you were planning on messing with time itself, you have been warned - it's valuable. Thanks.



Has it really been over a month since my last post ? Sorry folks. Been busy actually recruiting (though my inherent laziness hasn't helped either)

To be or not to be, that is web 2.0

Just saw a resume for a web developer, who had worked on a project for

"Service for old man to check they are still alive or not."

As it turns out, it's more about informing relatives of your wellbeing. Even that conjures interesting ideas though -
Imagine the email they receive - "errr hi. your dad's dead - the opinions in this email do not necessarily represent those of...." and perhaps they would have google adsense down the side with "Find your dead dad on eBay"

Real Hell

I'm really not sure where to start with this one. It's been kindly submitted by George Bazhenov (go visit his site or his blog here (though you'll need to be able to read Russian).
I'll let George tell this in his own words. Expect a cocktail stick with a cheese chunk of humor and a pineapple chunk of pathos.


"That was very near to hell in 1998 - quarter million Sierra Leonean refugees fleeing across the border and into Guinea. My job was to take part in an effort to feed all of them and my agency started recruiting field monitors. Applications started to arrive in their hundreds, way too more for us to process. There were real gems, West Africans love theatrics but in a situation of hunger and despair this sounded tragic and nobody laughed at their job applications that in normal conditions would be circulated through offices and learned by heart to retell near a soda fountain.

I still keep one and I still think that it carries more tragedy than comedy with it.

Letter of Request
I am twenty-one (21) year old Sierra Leonean Refugee student and I am writing to have you as my abducted father should it be possible. The widely propagated news of your authenticity by individuals around town aroused my curiosity for a fraternal relationship with you.
I hope to have some facial conversation with you at your convenience, so that I can furnish you with detailed information about myself.
Sir, I strongly promise to make use of any opportunity you may offer me to your greatest satisfaction.
Thanks in advance.
Sincerely yours,
xxxxxxx xxxxxxx"

Sorry if you were expecting a LOL today, but this one had to be posted.
Normal, irreverent service will be resumed soon.

Show me the money !

Samantha mailed me this one, though she didn't want to appear too mean-spirited. You really shouldn't worry.

"Wendys - Cashier
Successfully handled money. Received money from customers.
And successfully issued the correct amount of change back to the customers"

Everybody deliberates over the most appropriate elements of a role to include on their resume. I appreciate that a Wendys cashier is not the most wide-ranging or challenging position but of all the tasks involved, NOT defrauding customers should really be a given shouldn't it ?

I'm going to win the Nobel Peace Prize !

Received today

"I belive that weakness is the first level of strength, given the right attitude and driving force. My school advised me to fix my punctuality by taking work experience with the army. This went excellent, and I came out with fantastic results and in the top three in the physical 3k run. My mediocre gr ades do not reflect my true abilities and standards. I am dedicating my future to socialisticly unite the third world countries through the use of media. I can drive, however I am still in the process of getting my license. I have the more than the high levels of energy than required for any job. I am also looking for new media investors. My goal in life is to win the nobel pe*ace* prize through the next big buisness. Global Psychological Reconstruction. I believe in the qoute "who cares wins", and would love to work abroad, America, Japan, etc."

then later, under skills -

"Cleaning skills:- bleaching, pot washing, window cleaning, mopping, e.t.c"


I think I'm still scared by the fact that someone thought it would be a good idea to 'cure' his punctuality problem by putting him somewhere near guns.

Looks like we're back on track ! Yay !

Search Engine what ?

Another online marketing related one today. For those that don't know Search Engine Optimization (or SEO) is a myriad of ways to get your site as high up the search results pages in Search Engines as possible. One of those ways comes down to effective copywriting and keywording - eg. finding the most popular and appropriate keywords and phrases.
Therefore when listing on your resume that your skills include the rarely used phrase,

"Search Engine Manipulation"

and no other alternative, it really doesn't fill me with confidence. Put simply, when I'm searching a database for someone with SEO skills, this guy will not appear in the results.

Pay Per Click

This one needs a brief introduction - If you're not already aware, "Pay Per Click" is the standard (and one of the most used methods) within Online Marketing.

As always for a recruiter, people who don't have a skill will often try to convince you they do. Often their definition of 'expert' means they once walked passed someone whose brother made coffee for someone with that skill . Usually they're easy to spot, sometimes they blag it well.

So back to PPC. A candidate phoned in and after a brief discussion about his skills, I asked him if he had experience of Pay Per Click, to which he replies no, but he could do the job anyway. After an explanation that isn't how it works and with nothing else for him, I requested a resume and left it there.

This email arrives -

"Dear xxxxxx, thanks very much for your interest. I misheard you on the telphone as saying "paper click" or "paperclip" which I assumed was some specialist software. I am familiar with Google Pay Per Click.

I think I can probably extend mty current temp contract as I have a good commute and I am fairly happy.

What I need is a job where I can prove myself. at the risk of sounding big headed, when I think of Google pay per click, the words "piece of p___" wedge themselves in my brain.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I have every respect for you as a person but it does aggreive me when people don't realise how employable I actually am, although self-praise is no reccomendation."

A positive step

"I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success."

Well done you ! Perhaps you could start some other part-time courses to really ruin your future ?

Oops I did it again

"Job involved...counselling clientele on accidental insurance policies available"

Perhaps you can insure yourself against mistakenly buying insurance ? But what if you accidentally bought one of those policies. It's Friday and my brain hurts.

Easy life

"working for a National chain of pubs - Floating Relief Manager"




Am i becoming too frivolous ? Is it just me that finds some job titles worthy of a quick snigger ?

Oh well, there's just been a lack of genuinely barking-mad applications recently. I'll be honest, I prefer those because it makes me feel normal again. Though it's not much to brag about that I'm not as deranged as some of the people who write to me, I know.

Come on - send me a good one !

Early aspirations

"My aim is to become a Marketing Director for a large international company once I have graduated from university"

What ? Not before ?

Call PETA

"Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse"

I understand that spellcheck won't pick it up, but how do you mis-type that ? U and R have two whole letters in between to stop your fat fingers confusing them.



(by the way, a quick thank you to Sarah Needleman of the Wall Street Journal and CareerJournal.com for posting the interview)

The what ?

"1 year experience in the well known Telecommunication Industry"

The well known Telecommunication Industry ? As opposed to what ? The telecommunication industry that no-one has ever heard of ?

pffft. Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been ill and still don't feel great. Perhaps that's why I'm happy to abuse some poor sap for a minor gaff.

The modern military

"1990 - 1997 - Stewardess - Royal Air Force"

Yes, it's another one which is totally accurate and intentional. However, as my mind drifts like the Mary Celeste it conjures another image in my mind.

Is that a safety risk ?

"I AM INTERESTING TO WORK AS A TRANEE ENGINEER"

Another simple spelling mistake which conjured a interesting image in my head.

Politically correct terminology ?

"2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people"

Now, I may not be the biggest advocate of overt political correctness, but I don't think 'vegetable people' is the accepted term anymore. 'Special' and 'Brave' are often used, but I believe 'Mong' and 'Spaz' are still out.



Thanks to an anonymous reader called Fluffy for this one.

mmmm bondage

"I still remain confident because of the few individuals like you that I plan to be-friend. Hence, by God’s infinite mercy there is room for optimism...
May, I request you to kindly walk the extra mile for us, by passing my bio data ... to all concerned. You may wonder why I request you to this at our behest and this is due an inner feeling in me which tells that you a woman who believes in human bondage, not to re-mention compassion and kindness. From my end, may I assure you that I am a man of letters and sincere to my duties. I am often told by others in the manifold spheres of my activities that there is a mystic in what I do."

I sometimes like to imagine what it would be like if people spoke the same way they write covering letters. "Good Day, Recruiter ! I shall be attending the public bar pursuant to your request for a cooling beverage. May I inquire as to your liquid preference to imbibe ?"



Thanks to Louise at UK Recruiter for this one. That's not her in the pic by the way (at least I don't think so).

Groovy

"I am looking forward to working in a distinct and dynamic environment, where I can intensify my engineering flairs"

Not hilarious today, but I liked the idea of an engineer laboring endlessly to re-design new and improved flares

Warrior, Yogi, Spiritual Leader, Sports God and Piss Master

"5 top skills or characteristics
listening skills
xtremely good communication skills
open-minded
target driven
internally motivated - warrior type though I enjoy yoga very much ;-)

Icons 2 follow:
Mahatma Gandhi /ethics/
Michael Jordan /sport, business

top business achievements?
...
In December I signed quite a substantial deal ...to run ... campaign for them in Portugese [Brazil], Chinese, Japanese & Arabic.
The best bit - I was competing with .... colleagues in DE & FR :-) What was quite interesting as well - we were able to get the contract event though we charged the client higher management fee that our colleagues from DE & FR!
now I can take a moderate piss at my colleagues from Paris & Frankfurt 2 keep their adrenaline at the right level"


I'm sure Gandhi would have approved.

i is all growed up

"For the past 3 months I have also been living at home with my brother as my parents have gone on holiday for 3 months as a retirement presents. I believe this experience has matured me as a person, as I have had to look after the house, shop and generally do a lot more tasks for myself. This has given me a new outlook on life and what I want to do with my life in the future."

If I were to forward to a client, should I add to the skills section "Washing soiled underwear" and "Wiping own crack" ?
I mean I appreciate you're young and this is a big thing for you...and ok you need to fill some pages, but is anyone really going to be impressed that you can buy your own Cheerios ?

You're kidding right ?

"Target Position : Misssionary"

Like you, I was thinking "yeah, yeah, really funny... not."
However I read on, and was converted !

This guy has members of a Christian fellowship as references. He worked in a Christian bookshop and is an active member of his Church. The signs are all there - it's no joke.
I have no problem with his religious beliefs, but surely anyone would notice the potential humor in "Target Position : Missionary" ?

(does Missionary work get listed on job boards ? I just wondered.)

Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

"Achievements
I was named Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2006"

Although I didn't receive this personally, a kind person (who wishes to remain anonymous) received this. Now in case you weren't aware, Time Magazine named all of us Person of the Year 2006 in a "we're all into user generated content" kind of way.

I actually rather admire this. It's absolutely true, demonstrates a little awareness of current affairs and sets the person apart from many of the sheep we see.

OK, so not too DUMB today. Please stay tuned - normal service will be resumed soon.

Product Expertise

"McDonald’s Restaurant Ltd.
2004 – Present

* Supervising Staff
* Cashing up
* Cashier
* Customer Service – selling stock
* Managing the store-opening/closing up
* Dealing with customers queries
* Authorising refunds/exchanges
* Acquiring knowledge of all new products"

Hey Anna-Nicole ! Quit acquiring knowledge of new McDonald's products !

Doesn't that hurt ?

"Eternally aspiring to conquer myself in everything I do and every elevation I gain"

CV Headline: I came from the futire

"About Me:
Strangely it may seem, but I've noticed that what I am doing today, others do couple years after.

Instead of being a follower I prefer to be a leader. I never fail to do what I believe is right and I don’t care what other people think about me. Not a

good sign but again, I se a term of 'being successful' as making it despite all adversity, rather than making it by using other people's weaknesses. No

wonder, I have no money, but again, although being "loaded" is commonly used as a measure of being successful, this does not apply to my view and it is not

a true measure of "success". Personally I'd rather be a poor free man, rather that rich slave.

Apart from having a Can Do attitude, which means that I'd rather have a go on doing something, rather than talking about it, I am

also easily bored so I prefer chaotic environment, no wonder admin is not quite my cup of tea.

I guess I prefer to work with people that can inspire me, both creatively and spiritually (although I am not a religious person). "


I actually admire his enthusiasm. I also love the fact that he comes from the 'futire', but I'm not sure whether I'd be curious or scared to meet this guy.

So passionate

"Interests :
Although not an activity, traveling is another one of my passions."

I can appreciate having a interest, which you do not partake in. Formula One, for example is difficult for most people to dabble in at the weekends.
But how can you be passionate about travel that you don't do, and places you haven't been to ?

Vast talents

"Work Sought : Anything Busy and rewarding that employs my vast talents and rewards accordingly. Will take performance related as I'm good"

You forgot to add "humble".

Don't get me wrong, I love enthusiasm and pride in ones ability, but the term "my vast talents" rubs me the wrong way.

Programming Royalty

"Area of Interest
I have craze of game programming because they are called the king of programmer I want to be the king"

And he shall be crowned King Programmer, and all shall bow down before him proclaiming
"Long live the King ! Java ! Java ! Java!"

Give me the news, I gotta bad case of lovin' you.

Received today - Dr Doctor.

Yes, that's his name. He was Mr Doctor, and in July last year he completed his PhD in Computer Science making him Dr Doctor. I know I'm a simple person, but for me it doesn't get much better than that.

...

I've just discovered that this is called Nominative Determinism
So there you go, not just amusing we're now informative too.

I'll just help him search.

"I worked with Mr Imran Khan (Former Pakistan cricket player) in his campaign for cancer."

A campaign for cancer research, A campaign for cancer awareness, A campaign for cancer care. These are all options, but I'm guessing the fast-bowling lothario wasn't involved in Equal Rights for Carcinogens. I'm pretty sure the Imran Khan Foundation is against it.

Dynamic individual

"interests and hobbies
none at present"

None ? At present ? huh ?
Perhaps it used to read "Interests and hobbies - sitting", but he couldn't take the pace of such an arduous activity.

Much use ?

"Monster CV Headline : 1 year old French Marketing Executive in the UK"


Probably as much use as most marketing people.

I'm great. I think.

"I have a wide variety of skills and experience, some of which I have taken for granted and cannot readily recall.
If considered for employment, I believe I will be an asset to your reputable organisation."

I will be an asset, but please remind me what my job is every morning.

Not one of mine - but too good not to include

Guy applies for Web Design job in Dubai

Here's the abbreviated version

From: Amir Saffar
To: Mike Platts
Sent: Friday, December 15, 2006 9:11 PM
Subject: RE: hi again

it’s very simple Mike. You are interested in my profile and i wanted to know how much you were able to pay. no response means: you either can’t pay that much, or you only hire indians and pakistanis who don’t ask for a good salary. but dude, i am neither indian or paki and i have never worked for less than 2000 usd/month. You got it now!?

Amir

You don't agree with me ? Here - drink this.

"1999-2000 Israel Center for Negotiation and Medication"

Happy New Year to you all !

We start 2007 with another great example of how a simple typo (one single additional letter !) can change a context. I'm pretty sure he meant the Israel Center for Negotiation and Mediation but perhaps effective use of Rohypnol is also a good sales technique.